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HARRISBURG, PA—Confirming that several dozen individuals have had the title bestowed upon them in recent years, sources reported Friday that the Weber family has exceptionally lax standards for who gets to be called “aunt.” LOS ANGELES—Having rehearsed the script for several hours before giving what he believed was a solid audition, local actor Mark Folta was reportedly disappointed to be informed Friday that he just doesn’t have that Prego tomato sauce look.

PAOLI, PA—Worried that people will be staring at him everywhere he went, 45-year-old Harold Brauner was reportedly self-conscious and embarrassed Wednesday by the sudden, unexpected changes his body was going through. Tyler Corcoran was reportedly excited Tuesday to take over his dad’s old patrol route in Afghanistan.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

GRANVILLE, OH—Convening at their hometown bar to grab a drink and catch up on things, a group of old high school friends reportedly met up on Thursday as per their yearly tradition of saying the names of their former classmates.

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